2nd source of Marital Conflict

Here's the second source of Marital Conflict: Emotional injury that was not intentional.

When you married your spouse, you did not do so with any desire to intentionally hurt her feelings. But you will! You will say something thoughtless, stupid and unkind. Here me out on this one: The person who was hurt does need to give the offending spouse the benefit of the doubt, "I know you did not intend to hurt me. I don't believe you get enjoyment out of hurting my feelings." Maybe the issue was a total misunderstanding or he or she touched on an issue that is a raw wound from your childhood or a previous marriage.

This is an opportunity when the offending spouse needs to assure his partner of his love and that he has no intention of trying to recreate wounds from her childhood or a previous marriage gone sour.

Four Sources of Marital Conflict

For the next four posts, I'm going to blog about marriage - particular the things that really mess up our relationships.
The worst aspect of marital conflict is that it pits husband and wives as enemies. When in the midst of an argument, the thinking changes from "I love you" to "it's me against you!" No longer do we care about the other person's personal growth, but our "personal victory."

So what do we find ourselves fighting over? Here's the first of four:

Our faults and frailties. Guess what? . . . we're not perfect. Everyone's got imperfections. Usually, they're based on the weaknesses of our personalities. One spouse is quiet and the other one is outgoing. At first, during the courting days, you may have loved that trait. Now that very trait that once attracted her to you has become egregious.

On the other hand, your quietness may now bother your spouse. She wants you to talk more. Here's the kicker: Neither one of you're wrong. You're both different people with different personality traits. Get used to it! You can learn from one another: one can learn to talk and express himself more and the other might need to talk a little less and learn to listen.

Sure, you can gently point out to your mate that when she talks too much, you don't feel you have a chance to contribute to the conversation. But your mate also may need to ask you to share what's in your heart, instead of being so quiet.

Museum Meanderings.....

We took our boys to the Children's Museum today and spent much of our time at the new "Comic Book" Exhibit. Fascinating stuff. It brings back memories of my childhood as I was into comics a little. I loved Iron Man (yes, seen the movie), as well as the Green Lantern and the Avengers.
Anyway, what was neat is that the exhibit has the Batmobile from "Batman Begins". I guess it really works - goes to 100 mph and was manufactured by Hummer. Maybe would be a nice 3rd car????

Living a life of purpose

There has to be a reason Rick Warren’s book The Purpose-Driven Life has sold 30 million copies. We are a society hungry for direction. We seem a bit lost when it comes to figuring out which way to point our compass. Warren asks the challenging question, “What on earth are we here for?”

Men and women are hardwired by God to have a purpose but we get distracted by the world and thus lose our way. Helen Keller said it best, “Many people have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.” As Robert Byrne wrote, “The purpose of life is a life of purpose.”

And that purpose—the kind of purpose that actually changes lives—reaches outside the self. It goes beyond ME. Look at Proverbs 19:21: “Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails” (NIV). We’re always striving for some purpose. In the end, however, it’s God’s purposes that prevail. And it’s a good thing too.

It’s the same question everybody asks at some point. Thankfully, he offers an answer. “You were made for a mission,” according to one of his chapter titles. You aren’t here just to wander around lost. And you aren’t here simply to live for yourself.

I love the way Eugene Peterson paraphrased Proverbs 11:28 in The Message: “A life devoted to things is a dead life, a stump; a God-shaped life is a flourishing tree.” Warren is fond of saying, “Between this day and the next you will give your life to something. The decision on what that will be will shape your destiny.”

Perfectionists in an imperfect world

This is the problem that we perfectionists have - we don't live in a perfect world!

Learn to live with imperfect situations, unresolved issues and unfulfilled expectations without losing your great spirit.

There's always something that isn't the way you want it. Get happy in spite of this. As you deal with it, stay happy, not upset.

If the unresolved problem gets you, then it's won. Stay on top even when it's trying to get you down, and you'll win. This is Christianity at its best. Staying up in a down situation!

Blue tongues display something yummy!

This afternoon we went to the park, and afterwards headed over to Ritter's where the boys enjoyed their first Italian Ice (blue raspberry flavor!).

Enjoy your weekend!

Peacemaker vs. peacekeeper

Someone recently asked "I feel like they run all over me. What am I supposed to do? I feel they take advantage of me!"

In today's politically correct world, we often make the mistake of being peacekeepers rather than peacemakers. A peacekeeper is one who says, "Oh, I can't ruffle feathers. I can't step on any toes. I have got to keep everybody happy and keep the waters calm."

If you are a peacekeeper, though, nothing will ever change. You will end up listening to worldly wisdom and wasting your life trying to maintain the status quo.

Instead, God challenges us to be peacemakers. A peacemaker is someone who is willing to speak the truth to those around them, even if it means upsetting the status quo.

To be a peacemaker, you must care deeply for those people who are in the wrong. And you must be willing to show them the truth about what they are doing. Don't judge people. But be willing to show them the truth and then talk to them about the fact that God loves them and wants them to discover the true peace that is only available through Jesus Christ.

Wives and ribs

In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially interested when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as if he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Finding Purpose even in disaster

I just received an email from a friend in our "Journey" community. She shared how, last weekend, she went down to southern Indiana to assist flood victims. I told her "way to go!!!"

When you see life through purpose-driven lenses, you can no longer ignore the pain and suffering around you. Instead, you start asking yourself, "Since I am committed to living my life with purpose, what can I do in a tragic situation to make a difference?"

Sometimes I feel like such a jerk. I have to catch myself and not be one of those people who hears someone’s terrible story of pain and suffering, then glibly says, "I will pray for you" just before walking away from that person’s suffering. Prayer is wonderful, but the Bible is pretty clear that faith without works is dead.

If you are reading this, what do you think we, as a church community, can do practically for those in need in southern Indiana?

Mother's Day vs. Father's Day

Unjustly or not, I think that sometimes dads feel cheated when it comes to Father's Day. It seems to play second fiddle to Mother's Day. Here is some interesting information I found (www.menstuff.org) comparing the two days:

"Mother's Day is about heartstrings. Father's Day is about hardware and last-minute shopping. Father's Day is less revered: not planned as far ahead, less time is spent together as a family and gifts are chintzier. Mother's Day - 150 million cards sold. Father's Day, a Hallmark afterthought, sees less than 95 million. While Mother's Day racks 150 million phone calls, Father's Day has 140 million but holds the title for most calls placed collect.

Mother's Day ranks as the number one holiday for wired flowers with 23 percent of all holiday floral sales. Father's Day gets beat out by such bloom-crazy events as Thanksgiving. Statistically, men are more likely to get flowers at their funeral than for Father's Day.

Mother's Day is the biggest brunch day of the year and a bigger dining out day than Valentine's Day with 38 percent of adults eating out. Father's Day sees 23 percent of adults eating out. It is a bigger day on the golf links, which tend to attract a mix of all-male foursomes, couples and dads with kids.

Top gift for mom - clothing. Top gift for dad - one of 8 million neckties sold for the occasion. Happy Father's Dad, anyway, dad!

So do we really need to honor fathers, or is the day just a slightly less commercially successful version of Mother's Day, considered by some cynics to be nothing more than an ingenious way to make card companies and other businesses rich? I decided to find out what some people are saying about dads.

The America on Line bulletin boards are usually a good source of commentary, but at the time of writing there were only three comments. One gutwrenching post read:

"My dad committed suicide when I was just a little kid. Actually I was only 12. I remember a little about him, but not all was good. The good stuff sticks out, and is pretty much all I really would like to remember. I remember a time, when I was only 9, that my dad taught me to drive a standard pick-up truck. He got a tractor stuck in a ditch on the church grounds that we were working on and expected me to pull him out. To say the least, I did pull him out, but I burned the clutch up in truck. Looking back now, it taught me a one good thing about vehicles. Don't abuse them!!!"

One heartwarming comment read:

"My Dad and I might not live in the same house or get the chance to see each other as much as we would like, but that doesn't stop me from thinking that he is the best man on earth. I love everything about my Dad. He is a wonderful person to have in my life. I love to play basketball with him in the driveway. He always lifts me up so I can reach the basket. I am still young now and can't wait until my dad can teach me to do all the things in life I have yet to learn. He loves my mom and Me (sic) a lot as we love him just as much if not more in return. No matter what happens in the future I will always have a spot in my heart for my daddy!"

And with the abundance of blended families in today's culture, here's a comment that should speak to many people.

"My dad is a great man. He has taken me in when he did not have to. he supported my family even though he did not have to. He has taught me good ethics. He is wounderful (sic). He has supported me through out every thing I have put him through. he has been there when I needed him the most. I don't look at him as a 'step father.' He is my daddy. He has gone through thick and thin with me. I love him with all my heart and could not have asked for a better father and that is exactly what he is, my father. I must have done something good in my life for god (sic) to have sent him to me. I love you dad."

Bearing in mind the unique contribution that fathers make in the lives of their children, it seems appropriate that we should have a special day honoring dads. But where did the celebration of Father's Day come from? According to information contained on a now unavailable web site, (www.wilstar.com), it was Sonora Dodd (a person and not a greeting card company!) who first conceived the idea of Father's Day after listening to a Mother's Day sermon in 1909.

Dodd thought it would be good to have a special day of celebration to honor her father, William Smart, a Civil War veteran. Smart's wife died while giving birth to the couple's sixth child. As a result, Smart was left to raise the newborn, along with his other five children, by himself. In Dodd's eyes, "It was her father that made all the parental sacrifices and was ... a courageous, selfless, and loving man."

In 1924 President Calvin Coolidge supported the idea of a national Father's Day, it did not become official until 1966 when President Lyndon Johnson signed the presidential proclamation decreeing the 3rd Sunday of June as Father's Day.

So what are you supposed to do on Father's Day? Well, the event was described on menstuff.org as "A time to give love and thanks to all fathers, grand fathers, great grand fathers; a day for all fathers to celebrate fatherhood and contemplate their sacred duty to provide for the physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual needs of their children and the other children of this world."

Father's Day!

I just got back from Journey, had some left over lasagna, and now the kids are playing in the sprinkler in the front yard. Pretty soon we'll get into a mean squirt gun war that Dad usually get soaked!! Of course, I get off a few good shots.

In a couple of hours, Angela's sister is coming by to play with Collin and Christian, and Angela and I are going out on a date night. That will consist of dinner at Paradise Cafe, Starbucks and a movie (Not sure what we'll see).

I trust you are enjoying your day!

Miracle in the Rain

With all of the rain we had, it reminded me of a story I read about John Tesh (musician and former host of "Entertainment Tonight"). Here is the story of one of his concerts....

"On August 12, 1994, with Connie and two and a half month-old Prima in the audience of twelve thousand, I took the stage at Red Rocks Amphitheatre with my band and the eighty-piece Colorado Symphony Orchestra. From the very first downbeat I was energized like never before. The audience caught the joy from the stage and roared their approval after every song.

Then, four songs into the program, the temperature suddenly dropped, and in moments we were in the middle of a driving rainstorm. Over my right shoulder I heard a commotion and turned to see the orchestra rushing off-stage. The rain would have destroyed their delicate violins and cellos. My heart sank.

So this was it. We risked it all and got three songs. I had borrowed against the house. I had put my family’s security at risk. What a disaster. I watched as the water slammed into my grand piano. And then I turned my gaze to the audience and was startled by what I saw. No one was leaving. They all started putting on rain parkas and opening umbrellas. No one moved. I turned to the stage manager, who had opened an umbrella for me. He gave an encouraging smile.” Hey, it’s Red Rocks,” he said. “It always rains here. They’re used to it!”

Terrific. But how was I supposed to record a concert without the symphony? My violinist Charlie Bisharat had the answer. “ Come on, Let’s play in the rain. This will be cool.” What followed was an experience I do not suppose I will ever have again. I turned to address the audience: “Well, the symphony had to leave but you obviously aren’t going anywhere. If you don’t mind, we’d like to play for you . . . in the rain.”

The crowd, sensing that they could save the day, roared back at us, pumping their umbrellas in the air. And so five of us . . . Piano, electric violin (I know, he’s crazy), bass, drums, percussion, and guitar, with rain drops ricocheting off our instruments, played like men possessed. Charlie was running from one side of the stage to the other . . . skidding on the slippery rock surface. I looked back at our drummer, Dave Hooper. Water was pouring out of his bass drum. There was a river running down the center aisle of the audience. A cameraman fell as he tried to follow Charlie.

I just kept praying. “God, stay in this. If this is your plan for us, then please just make sure it all gets on tape.” And then it happened. And if I didn’t have it on tape you would never believe me. Fifteen minutes after the rainstorm began, it stopped. And I mean it was like someone hitting an off switch.

The rain stopped, the orchestra returned to the stage, and as the audience retracted their umbrellas, they were greeted by a full moon overhead. By this time most of us onstage were in tears. We had witnessed what can only be described as an intervention. We finished the concert basking the unspoken connection between the audience and us. All of us—audience and performers alike—knew that we had been part of something supernatural."

Just how spiritual are we?

It seems that 72 percent of Americans say their lives have meaning and purpose because of faith. But there’s a gap between what we believe and how we act.

That’s the finding of a new Gallup Poll that was conducted with The University of Pennsylvania’s Center for Research on Religion and Urban Civil Society. It examined “The Spiritual State of the Union.” To do this, it looked at Inner Commitment—people’s connection with God or a higher power — and Outer Commitment — how they live out their commitment through service to society.

Nearly 80 percent of people agreed with the statement “the overall health of the nation depends a great deal on the spiritual health of the nation.” And almost as many people agreed “life has meaning and purpose because of faith.” Sixty percent agreed with the idea that all people, regardless of race, creed, or wealth, are connected by a higher power and therefore we should accept everybody.

More than a third of Americans prefer to think of themselves as spiritual, rather than religious. And they defined spirituality in several ways, including belief in God or a higher power, or just seeking to be a good person and reach their full human potential.

But here’s the problem: Only 44 percent agreed with this statement: “I’m involved and try to help the lives of the poor and suffering.” Could it be that we’re not putting our money where our mouth is? Something to think about.

Are kids growing up to fast?

I read this in a recently on a parenting website - quite eye opening. Kids today know way too much . . . and I'm not talking about their knowledge of history, math and science. They know too much about mature subjects only an adult should know.

This concern has been voiced by Bruce Friend, vice president of the kids' cable channel Nickelodeon: "The 12 - to - 14 year olds of yesterday are the 10 - to - 12's of today."

Here's what taking place: tweens - kids between eight and 12 right between childhood and adolescence - are becoming more like teens. The childhood years are getting shorter and the teenage years are coming sooner and lingering longer.

Nickelodeon acknowledges that by the time kids are twelve, they describe themselves as "flirtatious, sexy, trendy, athletic, cool." Cosmetic lines are already targeting younger girls with body paints and scented body oils with names like Vanilla Vibe and Follow Me Boy. Seventh grade, according to educators, seems to be the starting point for what is known as risk behaviors.

Hand-in-hand with growing up too soon is the fact tweens are more sexually active. School counselors admit they are now seeing pregnant sixth-graders. Sexual activity among girls prior to 15 is on the rise.

With Mom and Dad working long hours away from home, many tweens are left alone. The loss of family life only contributes to the power of the peer group as a source of learning values and establishing their identity rather than the family unit. For boys, that identity is found in trouble-making, bragging, coolness and fighting. For girls, the identity is usually based on grooming, clothes and popularity with boys.

According to one beauty website, girls as young as eight are undergoing body waxing to get ready for the summer. A new Philadelphia magazine delves into the disturbing world of "little girl grooming," uncovering stories of young girls being plucked, scrubbed, waxed, highlighted and polished into doll-like versions of themselves. Sadly, this is all being done under the watchful eyes of their equally appearance-obsessed mothers.

Rather than hold their daughter's hands through the awkward time of preadolescence and build up their esteem, moms are buying into the idea that self worth is only as good as your outward appearance. Dads often sit by watching the unfolding of a world he feels he knows nothing about.

Roni Cohen-Sandler, author of Stressed-Out Girls, said all this tween primping is contributing to their early sexualization and loss of self confidence of these young girls. Earlier than ever before girls are encouraged to see themselves as objects whose worth is based on their appeal to the opposite sex.

Makes a lot of sense!

Wow, one wierd virus

10 days ago, Christian got this brutal stomach virus. Basically, flu like symptoms minus the aches. Well, he decided to share it with Collin and myself. I fared much better, but Collin has been laid flat for about 5 days.

I am feeling much better thankfully!

These moments cause us to spend a lot of time together, even if it's just playing games and praying that God will heal us real soon! Thanks for understanding - I try to blog every other day or so. Will be back